River, 15 months

Here is a diary insert from when River was 15 months, before I'd considered autism, & thought I was failing at being a mum:

"I didn't know which friend to talk to or where to write this, so thought I'd write a journal.

River is now nearly 15 months & is getting more interesting every single day, often giggling to himself or stomping around babbling at the top of his voice. I love him so, so much but can't help feel like I'm failing him. I desperately want to teach him new skills & help his development but really struggle to know how. I'd love to read him stories, but whenever I try he just grabs the book, closes it & throws it, or spins it on the floor, or tries to eat it. I try to teach him to clap, & he'll clap my hands together for 2 seconds before walking away. He won't point or wave. I try to teach him to push things through his shape sorter, but he just wants to spin the shapes on the floor. I show him how to push buttons or push his spinning top to make it work- but he'd rather pick them up & shake them.

He just gets bored of anything sooo soooo quickly, & I don't know how to keep his attention for more than 2 minutes. He loves being tickled, but that lasts all of 5 minutes. He refuses to colour- just wants to spin the felt tips on the floor. We try playdoh- he eats it (even the disgusting homemade salty stuff.)

The only thing that keeps him amused is the tv, & I feel so guilty relying on it all the time :("